


Dean, Please Remember

by CJTodd2



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Amnesia, Angel Siblings, Angelic Grace, Angels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Demons, Destiel - Freeform, Fallen Castiel, Hell, Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, M/M, Profound Bond, Romance, Sam and Kevin know whats up, Souls, raising from perdition
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-12
Updated: 2014-05-22
Packaged: 2018-01-08 12:46:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1132822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CJTodd2/pseuds/CJTodd2
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cas and Dean fell in love while the angel was rebuilding him and restoring his soul but once Dean surfaced on earth he didn't remember any of it, and Cas has been subtly trying to remind him ever since.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Righteous Man

**Author's Note:**

> Based off this Tumblr post:
> 
> gracestiel:
> 
> agarlandoffreshlycuttears:
> 
> gracestiel:
> 
> headcanon: Cas and Dean fell in love while the angel was rebuilding him and restoring his soul but once Dean surfaced on earth he didn't remember any of it and Cas has been subtly trying to remind him ever since
> 
> This actually made me cry a little bit
> 
> like that's why Cas stands too close and is always staring at him, willing Dean to remember.

Hell was as most people would assume…was hell. Burning, screaming, blood, and pain were abundant. The smell of sulfur, burning flesh, and decay flooded the nostrils to the point of sick intoxication. Castiel followed alongside the legions of his siblings into the horrid place. They were given the mission to retrieve The Righteous Man. Castiel did now know much, for he was just a simple foot soldier.

He was simply given the order, as his brethren were, to save The Righteous Man from the deep horrid pits of hell. His commander Raguel lead them into battle against the demons. When Castiel had been but a fledgling, Raguel had watched over the young ones. He had been so loving and kind, yet with a firm hand. Now he struck down the vicious demons with slashes of his mighty sword.

The heavenly host's radiating light illuminated the darkness causing some of the lesser demons to crawl back into the holes from which they came. Others did not go down so easily. The abominable sinful creatures fought shamelessly. They used even the most villainous of tricks to avoid fighting the angels head on.

When they did they fought like animals clawing, biting, growling, and screeching blasphemous words. Castiel was disgusted by them. He wanted nothing more than to return to beautiful heaven. Where it was light and where there was no pain. He never wanted his sight to be stained with the memory of the horrid creatures ever again, but he had to tread on.

Another angel, Laoth, flew to his side. He spoke in Enochian, "Our siblings Heman, Dumah, Kuetiel, and Qauspiel are no more. I fought with them and now they are all dead, so many are dying Castiel."

Castiel replied, "It is true, but Brother we must continue. We cannot fail. We must save The Righteous Man. He had been in this atrocious place for nearly 30 hell years. "

Laoth's powerful wings flapped faster as he pulled Castiel along, "I know Brother, I know well. Then we must hurry Little Brother. We must retrieve him."

They flew as their brothers and sisters fought. Castiel tried not to think about the cries he heard when a younger angel would fall into the clutches of a demon. They would scream to their brethren, to their father, to any who would hear. Not everyone went down valiantly. Castiel could feel one after the other; the graces of his siblings simply going out like a candle. Laoth had always been a master at evading and thwarting demons. It was what he was known for. It was very useful here.

Castiel could not understand why Laoth had insisted for him to accompany him. The group Laoth had been fighting in had been destroyed, but why did he simply not join another? Laoth was a respected and noble soldier; a far more powerful angel than the young Castiel. Castiel decided not to question it. He instead pushed himself to fly faster. His abnormally large wings had come in handy. He recalled being told as a fledgling that he would be a great flier one day. He could not recall who it was who told him so.

The deeper they went the fewer demons there were. It was odd. Laoth continued on, so Castiel did as well. His wings were in agony, it felt as if his feathers were being painfully plucked and slowly burned. He wanted to stop and rest, but he could not. Laoth's hand held to Castiel's arm as the two soared deeper into hell.

Castiel heard a foul voice cackle, "Oh Dean. Your Daddy-kins held out for a century. How disappointed do you think he will he be? Of course you meant so little to him anyway. You were just an instrument that's all. It's good to see you're still being put to good use."

Laoth turned to Castiel, "The tortured had become the torturer…"

Castiel watched as The Righteous Man, Dean Winchester, carved into the flesh of a soul bound to hell. Dean Winchester had been taken off the rack, but only on the condition he now torture as well. Castiel saw the pain and damage that poor soul had endured. It was stoic and dissolute that poor wayward soul. The scars were ones that would not easily heal; never would they fully go away. It was a pitiful sight, yet for some odd reason Castiel did not feel pity.

How was it that soul shined like a beautiful beacon? So weak, yet so powerful. How could there possibly be a human man as marvelous as this? If Castiel had not known any better he would have mistaken him for one of the heavenly host. A human soul that could rival and angel's grace.

Laoth shook him from his trance. He whispered, "Brother, you must do exactly as I say. No matter what occurs you must follow my orders. Do you understand?"

Castiel replied, "Of course. I have faith you shall save The Righteous Man."

Laoth placed his forehead on his brother's and brushed the tips of his wings to Castiel's. It was a fairly intimate gesture usually reserved for the closest of the angelic siblings; not between a noble warrior who greatly outranked the young angel. Under the circumstances Castiel supposed it was fine. The two shot down into the pit together.

Alastair laughed when he saw the angels enter. They were in his domain. Such weak little things wouldn't last long. His villainous grin fell from his face when Laoth flew straight at him. The two fell into a heap of slashing, scratching, swearing, and flapping wings. Laoth shouted above all the other noise, "CASTIEL, YOU MUST SAVE THE RIGHTEOUS MAN!"

Castiel tore his gaze from his fighting brother to The Righteous Man. He could not abandon his brother to Alastair, one of the most horrendous demons in hell, but he had promised he would follow his order no matter what it may be.

Laoth yelled, "DO IT CASTIEL, DO NOT FAIL! I BELIEVE IN YOU!"

Castiel had his resolve. He swopped down and placed his hand on The Righteous Man's shoulder. Dean was nearly blinded by the entity that touched him. It was radiant and beautiful. What was it doing here in Hell? It spoke to him, "Dean Winchester, You do not belong to here. I am here to save you. Come with me and I shall restore you before you return to Earth."

Dean couldn't believe what he was hearing. The stunning creature was here to save him. Why him? His gaze fell on his work that lay before him. He was horrified. He did not deserve to be saved. Not when he had done something as atrocious as he had done. He had tortured souls, and he had enjoyed it.

Anything was better than having to endure Alastair's torment. He always managed to find a way to fuck things up. He cried out to the celestial being, "NO, I belong here! I don't deserve to go back! I deserve to rot here!" His bare soul did not possess the walls it did on Earth. There was no body with its defense mechanisms; only his bared naked soul.

Castiel attempted to lift Dean Winchester, but the man fought him. He hit, kicked, clawed and bite. All the while as he thrashed he wailed. He began to cry for his mother, father, for his brother, for the being that stood before him to leave him be. Castiel could not comply with him.

Laoth had put his faith in him. He gripped the Righteous man and as his grace surged he flew upwards. His wings were burning and he knew it. Dean Winchester did not fight him anymore, but he sobbed and wailed. Castiel could only cradle the soul close to him as a comfort. He surged upward with every flap of his strong aching wings. He heard shouts, "The Righteous Man he has been saved! Retreat to heaven!"

He could not spare a moment to see which of his brethren had not been lost in battle, nor could be celebrate. His only concern of the time was carrying Dean Winchester out of Hell. The rancid air was gone with a final surge of his grace. He was back on Earth with Dean Winchester's soul in his arms.

He was silent and clung to Castiel. Laoth had not been behind Castiel, but Castiel could not take the time to mourn. He flew to the place where Dean Winchester's body was. Uriel was waiting there with a few other angels. Castiel felt that perhaps it might have been better if Laoth had been there. Uriel and Castiel had a few disagreements when they were young, but he would have to put that aside.

Upon seeing Castiel Uriel questioned, "So it was you Castiel who pulled The Righteous Man from Hell? I am impressed. I assumed an older warrior would be the one to accomplish such a feat."

Castiel answered, "I would not have been able to if Laoth had not gone up against the demon Alastair." Dean shuddered at the very name, "Many of our brothers and sisters died in battle. We had not expected to lose so many, but The Righteous Man has been saved."

Uriel only spared The Righteous Man a quick look. He had much more important matters to attend to. He ordered, "You are to repair him. Do you wish for any other angels to accompany you?"

Castiel felt Dean's apprehension around the other angels. He didn't want Dean to endure any more than he already had. He wanted peace for the scarred soul, yet he knew Dean's work on Earth was not done. It was why God commanded he be saved. Castiel said, "I will rebuild and restore The Righteous Man on my own."

Uriel shrugged, a very human gesture, if Castiel wanted to go through the trouble he wouldn't stop him. He flew back to heaven with the other angels following behind. Dean relaxed slightly now that he was alone with his savior. He had been so reluctant to leave Hell that he had not even taken the angelic being into account that the being holding him, as if he were a precious thing, was in fact his savior. Dean asked, "Who are you?"

Castiel smiled, "I am Castiel an angel of the Lord. I am the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."

Dean curled up closer to the angel, "Thank you. I'm sorry for fighting you back there. I'm sorry you had to see what I did. I'm sorry, but I deserved to be there. Why did you save someone like me?"

Castiel gently caressed the soul. Dean flinched, but he did not pull away, "Dean Winchester you are a righteous man. God had plans for you I am sure. God commanded that the heavenly host fight our way through hell to save you, but upon meeting you now I know my orders were correct. If there is any man that deserved to be saved from the horrors of Hell it is you. You are exquisite, fascinating, and valorous: You could be on level with any angel in all of heaven. When I first saw your soul if I hadn't known it was you I might have mistaken it for an angel's grace. You are indeed righteous"

Dean moaned, "Don't lie. I'm weak, horrible, a coward. I broke…I tortured those souls."

Castiel soothed him with his grace, transferring good feeling and hope into his soul. It would take time not only for him to rebuild his body, but repair his soul. It was not broken, but it was wounded, tired, scared, and with little will to live. He would need to help Dean heal. He didn't want to go too far from Dean's body, but he needed to be in a safe place with Dean's soul. He considered Jimmy Novak. His vessel was ready and waiting, but he decided to let the human be. He had not been on Earth for a very long time, but he knew nearby a few miles away there was a house that was vacant. He was gone in a blink of an eye.

A soul without a body is somewhat like an apparition, but at the same time not like one. An apparition is a shadow of what it once was in its life. Usually tied to the Earth for a number of different reasons like vengeance or fear of what lies ahead. Dean was a soul, not dead but not alive, simply a soul without a host to contain it. Threadbare and scarred it was defenseless and vulnerable against any who wished to cause it harm, which was why Castiel kept him close, slowly using his grace to heal the wounds and atrocities that lay on his soul. Dean was weary and he did not protest to it. He was strong willed and intrepid, but even the strongest of men can only endure so much alone.

Dean would occasionally take the time to just stare at his savior. The one who told him he deserved to be saved. The one who worked hard to heal his wounds. He was grateful; he could not ever repay the angel. There was just no way he could ever do something as amazing as when the gallant angel had rescued him from hell. The angel glowed, glowed a mixture of shining white lights with clinquant gold. Piercing blue eyes shown from the figure of light, and Dean could not tear his eyes from them.

He felt he couldn't possibly deserve to ever in his lifetime lay his eyes upon such a marvelous creature. The angel's wings were large, strong, they looked like the feather had been charred and smoke still rose from them, but Dean thought they were elegant and stunning. Castiel noticed Dean staring at him. He said, "Hell had caused much damage to my wings; damage that cannot be undone. Feel no guilt, for though they are hideous now it is a reminder of what I have done in the barrage into hell."

Dean viciously shook his head, "No no no they're not hideous. They're beautiful. They're really awesome!"

Castiel felt a laugh rise. He had heard human speech was odd for he was not accustomed to the word 'awesome', but he knew what beautiful meant. "I suppose both of us are beautiful then. I shall heal you the best I can. Then I shall rebuild your body, and you will return to the living."

Dean's soul shimmered, "Thank you Castiel. I don't really have much to return to because nearly all my family and friends are dead except for my little brother. I had one job and I screwed it up. I always let people down. My one job was to always protect Sammy, and he ended up dead, so I sold my soul to save him."

"Your self-sacrifice is heroic. Not many would go that far even for their kin. You are not a 'screw up' I see you to your very core you cannot hide anything from me. I shall never leave you Dean. How could I leave such a brilliantly beautiful soul such as yourself?"

"I don't suppose you're the type to offer up flattery easily huh Cas?"

Castiel tilted his head, "Cas?"

Dean laughed, "Yeah, your name is Castiel. Cas is a shortened version, like nickname."

"A nickname is like a term of endearment. Am I correct?"

If Dean were in his body he would laugh and brush Castiel's question aside, but he was not. Instead he grinned at the angel, "Yes it is. You have become something I endear you saved me."

Castiel smiled tenderly at the soul he held. Dean Winchester, The Righteous Man, felt endearment towards the young angel Castiel. The feeling coursed through him. How long had it been since he had felt these feelings. Feeling usually reserved for Father, for his brothers and sisters, never had he felt this way towards a mere human. What did it mean? Even with centuries of knowledge at his disposal Castiel did not know.

Over time Castiel would tell Dean stories about his heavenly siblings from when he was a fledgling as he healed Dean. In return Dean would tell him about his life on Earth, his absent father, and he always spoke of his younger brother. Never an ill word only praise. Castiel tried his best to understand the magnitude of the bond the two brothers shared. There were times when their time spent together was not great like when Dean would be thrown into a fit believing himself to still be in hell.

As always Castiel would offer him comfort. He would use his grace to cradle that soul, guarding him with his wings; he would softly kiss away every pain that plagued the Winchester. He could easily wash it away with a flick of his hand, but no. He enjoyed being affectionate to Dean. Dean welcomed the amity. It was a far cry from the cold yet burning fear and hatred that surged in Hell. If anyone was allowed to see him at his lowest and to not show him pity but give him devotion it would be Castiel.

Every tear, every insecurity, every painful memory Castiel would sooth with hushed words of tenderness, affection, and adulation. Dean's soul clung to Castiel's grace; not letting go since they first touched in hell. It was safe, secure, and warm. He tells Dean he shall never ever leave him. He tells him that he loves him: a love above all of humanity, a love on level with that of his love for God.

Castiel knows such a thing is almost blasphemous, but he cannot deny it. He cannot betray the trust he built with that righteous soul. Dean's soul cries out for him to always love him and he shall do the same. He has no trouble at all making his intentions clear. He screams it to the heavens that he loves Castiel, that his love is unyielding, that he shall always love his beloved Castiel.

Dean's soul grows brighter and brighter with each passing day. Open wounds turn to scars and malice leaves. Dean's soul is stronger now, and although it will never be as it once was it still has hope. Castiel took Dean with him back to the spot where he was buried. Dean watched as Castiel worked atom after atom, cell by cell, every drop of blood. It hurt Dean seeing the state of his body knowing Sammy and Bobby has to bury him. He supposed they hadn't salted and burned him because they believed they might find a way to bring him back. Their struggle would be over soon; he'd be back with them soon enough.

Castiel had finished up with the body molding it as it had once been; there were just the clothes to add. Dean had no problem with him seeing everything: one because his soul didn't experience embarrassment, and two he wasn't inside the body so it didn't count. Castiel just might have made his eyes a brighter shade of green when Dean wasn't looking, but Dean had seen him add a number of freckles to his face and shoulders. He couldn't be angry it was like an artist signing their work. The body of Dean Winchester created from Mary and John Winchester, grown, destroyed, than rebuilt again by Castiel.

When he finished Castiel hovered over the grave holding Dean. Dean murmured, "Cas I'm scared. What happens after I get back in there? What if I don't get out, and I die again?"

Castiel said, "Do not fret. Once you return to your body you will regain consciousness and be able to return to your brother."

"What about you Cas? You're not going to leave me after I get back into my meat-suit are you?"

Castiel chuckled. Dean always had such strange names for things. "Dean I shall continue to watch over you. I will attempt to contact you, if I cannot in my true form I will try again while in my vessel. I have promised you before I will not leave. I shall never abandon you."

Dean's soul brightened, "That's good. You know I have about the same amount of abandonment issues as twelve orphans."

Dean looked from his grave containing his body, then back to Castiel. His grace was almost blinding, but he loved it. He and Castiel had an eternal bond. He hadn't expected to fall so deeply in love with his angel, but he had and there was no going back. He chastely kissed him then gazed into the cerulean pools of blue, "I love you. See ya when I'm topside."

"I love you Dean Winchester."

Castiel pushed Dean's soul back into his body. It would take a bit before it settled, so he flew back to heaven to report to Uriel.

When Castiel entered heaven Uriel whistled, "That took some time didn't it? I thought it would be fairly easy to put a body back together."

Castiel answered, "It was not the body that was difficult. I had to also heal his soul the best I could. He shall be awakening on Earth soon. I came to notify you of this. If I may I shall return to Earth."

Uriel laughed, "Eager are we? Yes, go to Earth. Tell him that God commanded he be saved and that we have work for him."

Castiel watched as Dean walked into a gas station. Dean was probably getting used to being back among the living, and Castiel wanted nothing more than to approach him. He had promised Dean he would be there once he was resurrected, so he called out to him. The windows shattered at the sound of his true voice. Dean covered his ears kneeling over in pain. He could hear no voice only a loud piercing sound. It puzzled Castiel. Perhaps Dean just needed time to adjust.

Dean was reunited with his brother. Castiel kept his distance. A woman attempted a séance to learn more about Castiel. He told her his name, but he warned her of the consequences that might occur if she try and see his true form. She didn't listen.

Castiel tries once again to speak to Dean when he is alone in a motel room in Pontiac. Once again his voice shattered all the glass. He realizes Dean is not able to hear his true voice no longer, and he stops once Dean's ears begin to bleed.

Dean along with another older man covered an abandon warehouse with protective sigils and symbols none of them can do anything against an angel. They attempted to summon him. He does not work, so he goes to the place in his vessel. The lights blow out in his presence as he adjusts to being contained in his vessel. Dean does not appear to be very happy. Why might Dean be angry with him? Dean and the man shot Castiel with bullets composed of salt which of course have no effect.

Castiel is pleased to see that Dean is well. Dean on the other hand looks very guarded, ready to attack, and not pleased in the slightest. Dean asked, "Who are you?"

Castiel replied calmly, "I'm the one who gripped you tight and raised you from perdition."

Dean said, "Yeah, thanks for that." Then thrust a demon killing blade into his chest. Castiel finds it a tad annoying. He takes it out and drops it to the floor. The older man goes to hit Castiel with a pipe, and Castiel stopped it with one hand. He doesn't want the older man to interfere anymore. He placed two fingers to the man's head, and the man falls into unconsciousness.

He said, "We need to talk Dean. Alone."

Dean goes straight to the man's side. Castiel reassures him, "Your friend's alive."

Dean asked, "Who are you?"

"Castiel."

"Yeah I figured that much. I mean what are you?"

He answered, "I'm an angel of the lord."

Castiel stared at Dean. Dean had attacked him, and he had not known who Castiel was, or what he had done. Did he really not remember? Castiel had pulled him from hell, healed him, rebuilt him, and loved him. Dean had said he loved Castiel, yet now he did not even know he was an angel. Castiel felt as if his grace had begun to simmer. How could he not remember!

Dean said, "Get the hell out of here. There's no such thing."

Castiel wanted Dean. His sweet and precious Dean; the ravaged soul that he cared for. The one who told him stories about his younger brother's first day of school. He was irritated. Dean didn't remember. He hadn't counted on Dean not remembering. What was he to do know?"

"This is your problem Dean. You have no faith."

To convince Dean he was indeed an angel he showed him shadows of his wings. Thunder roared outside and lightning struck through the sky. Dean had at one time seen his true wings. He had called them beautiful.

Dean commented, "Some angel you are. You burned out that poor woman's eyes."

"I warned her not to spy on my true form. It can be… overwhelming to humans. So can my real voice. You already knew that."

"You mean the gas station and the motel. That was you talking?"

Castiel nodded

Dean said, "Buddy, next time lower the volume."

"It was my mistake. Certain people, special people, can perceive my true visage. I thought you would be one of them. I was wrong."

Dean's voice was a tad spiteful when he asked, "And what visage are you in now? What holy tax accountant?"

Castiel examined his slightly damaged vessel, "This? This is a vessel."

"You're possessing some poor bastard?"

"He's a devout man. He actually prayed for this."

Dean shook his head, "Look Pal I'm not buying what you're selling, so who are you really?"

Castiel's brows furrowed slightly and he tilted his head. He gazed at Dean's soul. It was the same as it had been when he pushed it back into its body. Now Dean stood before him. Why did he not remember? Dean's soul lay hidden beneath a steely gaze of green, once looking at Castiel with nothing but fondness, now looked at him with suspicion and distrust. Castiel's grace ached underneath it. Dean didn't understand. He didn't remember.

"I told you."

Dean clicked his tongue and demanded, "Right, and why would an angel rescue me from hell?"

Castiel had already been over this with Dean, but there was no use trying to explain that.

He walked closer to Dean, "Good things do happen Dean."

Dean said, "Not in my experience."

Castiel tilted his head as he searched in Dean's eyes, "What's the matter?" The realization came to his, after the many nights he had spent holding Dean close to him as he sobbed over his crimes in hell, "You don't think you deserve to be saved?"

Dean's mouth twitched into a dry smirk, "Why'd you do it?"

Castiel burned. He wanted to scream at Dean to beg him to remember. His grace threatened to burn through his skin if he did not remain calm. He wanted to grab Dean and pull him close as he had done. He wanted to beg him to try and remember, but he couldn't. Castiel had a mission. He had to follow his orders.

He gave Dean the reply he had received from Uriel, "Because God commanded it; because we have work for you."

Castiel can now only associate with Dean when it involved the seals or Lilith. Dean tells him all the time that he needs to learn personal space; he had never had a problem with Castiel being close to him before. Dean's brother, Sam, showed much more respect than Dean himself did. The boy with the demon blood had stopped using his powers and that was good to say the least. Castiel began to have doubts about his orders and the plan from heaven.

Somehow Dean and Sam end up being associated with the abomination Anna. She fell and Uriel had declared she had to be destroyed. He had watched Anna kiss Dean. He did not feel jealously, for he was above envy, and Anna did not share the same connection he and Dean did. Yet it reminded him of the short kiss they had shared. He tried not to dwell on those memories. He goes up against Alastair; surely that would make Dean remember. It doesn't.

They need Dean to break Alastair, but Dean protested. Uriel left so Dean and Castiel can speak alone. Dean begs, "You can't ask me to do this, Cas. Not this."

He called him Cas. He remembers! He called Castiel Cas! Castiel looks into Dean's eyes for any other sign that he remembers. There is none, but Dean calling him Cas gave him the hope that he had lost. Castiel explains to Dean that Uriel is watching him because he is getting too emotionally involved. If only Dean knew to what scale. Castiel does not want him to endure Alastair again, but they need him to. Uriel wants Lucifer to rise. Anna tries to recruit Castiel. He does not know where to turn. The road gets rougher, people die, angels die, and Castiel could not abandon Dean. He promised.

"I would give anything not to have you do this."

"I learned my lesson while I was away, Dean. I serve Heaven, I don't serve man. And I certainly don't serve you."

"What is worth saving?! I see nothing but pain here. I see inside you. I see your guilt, your anger, confusion... In Paradise all is forgiven. You'll be at peace. Even with Sam."

"My superiors have decided I've become too close the humans in my charge. You."

"I disobeyed so you wouldn't go to them!"

"Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn't going to mention it."

"We've been through much together you and I.

"We're making it up as we go"

"I killed two angels this week. My brothers. I'm hunted. I rebelled and I did it - all of it - for you. And you failed. You and your brother destroyed the world. And I lost everything - for nothing. So keep your opinions to yourself."

"I thought you said that we were like family. I believe that too."

"I do everything you ask. I always come when you call and I am your friend. Still despite your lack of faith in me and now your threats I just saved you yet again. Has anyone but your closest kin ever done more for you?"

"I have a price on my head. I've been trying to stay one step ahead of them to keep them away from you."

"Thank you, for everything."

"You see he had this weakness. He likes you

"You must've mistaken me for another angel the one in the dirty trench coat that's in love with you?"

"When Castiel first laid a hand on you in Hell he was lost!"

"Ask him, he was your boyfriend first!"

"Don't ever change."

"So what, I'm Thelma and you're Louise and we're just gonna hold hands and drive off this cliff together?"

"Sorry but I'd rather have you cursed or not."

"Don't make me lose you too."

"We were family once I'd have died for you."

"I prayed to you Cas, every night!"

"Let me bottom line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you!"

"You made an exception for me."

"Cas, I know you're in there. I know you can hear me. Cas, it's me. We're family. We need you. I need you."

The apocalypse, Gabriel, Castiel turning against his brethren, the civil war in heaven, Raphael, The Leviathan, Purgatory: Castiel made so many mistakes. Both Dean and Sam became his only friends. Then they became family. There were times when Castiel had seen the Dean he had protected when he was but a vulnerable soul. They had good times, and many bad times as well. Castiel only wanted to have Dean's trust, Dean's approval, and Dean's praise. What else could he hope for? His brethren were against him, his father supposedly gone, and time after time he did whatever he could for Dean.

He loved him, he loved him, he loved him, and he loved him. He never once stopped loving him. Keeping close like when he had held Dean's soul to his chest. Castiel would stare intently into Dean's eyes watching that beautiful soul that lay hidden beneath the suffering, stoicism, jokes, apathy, and complete disregard for feelings.

When they were in Purgatory Dean had grinned and hugged Castiel when he found him. He had not wanted to be found. It was the only way to protect Dean; to keep the leviathan away from him. Dean wouldn't have him staying there, but Castiel needed to repent for his sins. He might never regain Dean's forgiveness, yet Dean forgave him anyway.

Then Metatron took his grace. He was left human, and Dean kicked him out of the bunker. All the human emotions were overwhelming. Betrayal, hurt, anger, fear: it all new for Castiel and Castiel had hoped for guidance from the Winchesters. He still loves him. Perhaps one day Dean might remember. He would wait. The soul that he pulled from hell, healed, rebuilt, and loved unconditionally. Dean Winchester.


	2. The Human Castiel

"Cas, you're human now so we really gotta buckle down on the concept of personal space."

"My apologies, Dean I shall refrain from entering your 'personal space' if it makes you uncomfortable."

Dean patted Castiel's shoulder and laughed, "Those air quotes have got to go too." Dean left Castiel to go give Sam the sandwich he had made. Dean had been kind enough to make one for him as well. It had been rough at first, but they were all slowly getting back on good terms with each other. Human emotions were so…confusing. Anger, Sadness, pain, betrayal, envy, lust; all the emotions ranged from a weary consuming feeling to a burning fueling passion. Needless to say there was not only those emotions, but he found intriguing ones as well amounst his, now fellow, man; humility, kindness, patience, diligence, hope courage, and love.

He was a creature of love, originally, and he knew without a doubt he loved Dean Winchester above all others. The problem was that since he was no longer an angel his control over all the emotions he experienced was limited. He would cry when he was a little sad over a simple thing, and lash out when he was even slightly annoyed. Not to mention all the other everyday things human had to do daily that he found tedious after a while. Having to plan everything around eating and sleeping was becoming almost too irritating to bear. Did all humans urinate so frequently or was there something wrong with his vessel? He may be without his powers, wings, and now just a human, but there was something good that came from his fall: he could now be with his friends again. He could now be Dean.

The oppressive feelings he had enduring when Dean had told him he could not stay were some of the worst Castiel had ever felt. He thought to himself 'I do not need you! I shall be fine facing humanity on my own!' Castiel had almost allowed himself to think that he did not love Dean anymore. He realized later it was just irrational thinking caused by his fury. He doubted that Dean would ever love him as he once had. Castiel tried to convince himself that the righteous man wasn't everything to him. Everything they had been through even after hell it all seemed to mean nothing to Dean, so why should it mean anything to him.

No matter how hard he tried no amount of thinking could induce the idea within him that he did not love Dean. Dean may not have remembered their time when Castiel raised him, the pure love they shared, but after everything Castiel allowed himself to hope. It had been shattered when Dean had asked him to leave.

He was no longer an angel so in what way could I assist the brothers? Was I merely a tool that would be thrown away after I lost my usefulness? Why would Dean kick me out? Had I done something wrong? All these questions had crossed Castiel's mind, and then he received solace from none other than the man he loved. An angel, Gadreel, had possessed Sam in order to heal him. Gadreel had an ulterior motive, and so he requested Castiel leave. Castiel could understand Dean's need to always look out for Sam first and foremost; it was one of the many things he loved about him.

Dean had asked him to come back, and although Castiel was angry at first he couldn't stay angry with Dean. No matter what he did he couldn't help but forgive him; Dean had done the same for him. Moody, usually angry, uses alcohol as a coping method; Dean was a character to put it in kind words. Green eyes and a heart of gold Castiel could not un-see his beauty. Castiel could only silently wish he could show his adulation for Dean Winchester.

The sound of loud voices echoing throughout the bunker shook him from his thoughts. Castiel figured he could eat his sandwich after he went to see what the brothers were bickering about. Castiel expected a few fist to fly as the brothers worked out whatever trivial matter they were arguing about. He hadn't expected to be pulled into the fray. Sam said, "Good you're here Cas, tell Dean that you and I are totally ready for a hunt, and that he's overreacting as always."

Dean scoffed, "I am not overreacting! You just got off the trials sickness roller-coaster and Cas still isn't used to being human yet. Neither of you are ready for any type of combat. You'll just have to sit back and relax while you're out of commission."

"You expect me to just sit back with my thumbs up my ass! I'm ready and Cas can make his own choices. Cas, what do you think."

Castiel tried to face the situation calmly, "Now Dean, I believe that although you are concerned for Sam's health he is a grown man. He should know its limits, and what he is able to do and not able to do. As for me, I am, I mean I was a warrior of god. I was grown to be a soldier; to fight, to kill, to destroy. I can assist you in some way with hunting monsters and the like even though I am human."

Dean ran his hand through his hair, "Sam, you are not ready. Just a few weeks ago you were hacking up blood; just give it a week or two okay. Cas, you used to be the big feathered badass on campus okay, but you're human now. You can kick the bucket just as easily as Sam or me."

Castiel interrupted, "Yes of course because you and Sam 'kick the bucket' the same as every other normal human being; multiple times. You have been human you're whole life, and yet you can still fight."

"Oh great, so he learns sarcasm that's just frickin awesome; Look Cas, You've only been human a little while so it could be different fighting as an angel and as a human. I just want you and Sammy to stay safe here in the bunker."

"Dean, I do not need to be coddled. I am not a 'baby in a trench coat' as you have stated. I am not useless!"

"I never said you were useless! You've also got to quit those air quotes, man"

"I shall do whatever I please. You cannot control me. Now if you would please put aside your pious superiority complex perhaps we can have a discussion. I've grown tired of this quarrel due to being near constantly moody every day. Is it so hard to not be cantankerous? Why is it so hard to treat me and Sam as we are; adults rather than children?"

Sam whistled in the background, "Oh snap."

"Pious superiority complex oh Mr. Self-Righteous Dick Who HAD Wings?" Dean chuckled dryly, "I am not being moody okay I'm trying to do what's best! Did I piss you off? Can't exactly throw me back in hell now? You pissed you're now stuck down here with us mud monkeys? Bet you really miss being part of the heavenly holy rollers club huh, Castiel?"

The wing comment flared Castiel's temper; every comment was like a stab wound. Human acrimony was such a difficult thing. A burning emotion that seemed such a driven objective until it burned you out. Dean was so infuriating. Castiel's voice turned to ice as he turned away from Dean, "You do not always know what is for the best, Dean. I may have difficulty adjusting to humanity, but I do not possess any enmity to the fact I am now human."

Dean pulled Castiel's shoulder so he would face him again, "What the hell crawled up your ass? Who's the cantankerous one now?"

Castiel pushed Dean's hand away, "I am not cantankerous, merely weary, and it's very tiring having to listen to you partake in matters that are far too commonplace for you. You're doing it again. You try to invoke resentment out of others in an effort to push them away in fits of rage. I grow weary of your self-loathing."

Sam fidgeted where he stood. At first he had been interested to see the Cas-Dean showdown, but now he felt a bit uncomfortable. Luckily Dean and Castiel were too busy glaring daggers at one another to notice him sneaking out of the library. He'd just eat his sandwich in the den.

Dean was the first to drop his gaze. He mumbled, "You don't even know the half of it…"

Castiel lifted Dean's chin so he their eyes would meet again, "When I raised you out of hell you fought me…You told me you belonged there, you told me you deserved to rot there. You were so resistant in my attempts to raise you from perdition…"

Dean asked, "So why didn't you just leave me there? Because God commanded it and all, well he's not doing much of anything these days now is he? Why Cas, answer me that."

Castiel mumbled under his breath, "Why don't you remember, answer me that."

Dean crossed his arms, "What the hell are you muttering about?"

He was slightly stunned when he was greeted by Castiel's raised voice, "When I was healing you…when I was healing your soul I begun to experience odd feelings. At the time I did not understand what they meant. Open wounds turned to scars and yet you did not let go once I grasped you in hell. I promised. I promised, Dean. I fucking promised and I tried my damn well hardest to keep my promise! I tried so hard, and I know that cannot simply suffice, but I cannot stand for it anymore!"

Dean was confused so naturally he yelled back, "I don't know what you're talking about! What promise! What are you trying to say?"

Castiel had all the languages known at his disposal, even those not known by man, yet he could not find the most appropriate words for voicing his pathos, adoration, and furor. He realized his proximity to Dean was close, perhaps he had forgotten the discussion about personal space, whatever the matter Castiel decided to take a chance. Dean's jaw was clenched tight anticipating Castiel's response. He surely hadn't expected the response he got. Castiel's lips were hard and unyielding against his own. Dean couldn't help the goose bumps that rose on his arms. He could smell Castiel's body soap; it was his. Usually Cas preferred the soap for more sensitive skin, but he had used Dean's. Dean's eyes were wide open while Cas' were almost sealed shut. It probably only lasted a second, but it felt like hours before. For a second Dean felt the desire to actually participate, to pull Cas closer to him, and then Sam just had to walk in.

"Hey guys I was wondering…Holy hell you guys are kissing!"

Cas' lips released his, but his hands remained on his shoulders. Dean exhaled sharply, "Sammy, I-I-I um I was…ah…"

Sam shrugged, "Don't care, don't explain, just please talk this out okay. We still need to go over the whole hunting thing is what I wanted to say and what you guys wanted for dinner, but it seems your occupied. I'm going to lock this door until you've all talked this out so there won't be any running away. Do you understand?"

"Crystal clear."

"Sam, I would like chicken nuggets. I have developed a fondness for them, although perhaps it's my imagination that the dinosaur ones taste better than the regular ones."

Dean cracked up. He put his whole body into his laughter with a broad toothy grin on his face. All malice and poignancy seemed to evaporate with Dean's elation at Castiel's words. Castiel was a bit confused. He found his request to be perfectly reasonable. Sam also seemed to find it humorous with his gleeful snort that escaped. It eased the tension that had been building in the room with everyone's tempers flaring. Sam closed the door, and locked it, and his large feet could be heard as he padded down the halls of the bunker. Dean smile softened when he looked at Castiel. Castiel was not sure how he felt about the look in Dean's eyes. Dean asked, "Why'd you do that Cas?"

Castiel's throat clamped up. He was unsure what to do. Dean did not remember. His muscles ached to escape. He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from screaming. Why did he not remember? Dean seemed to notice Castiel's apprehension. All his anger, confusion, and everything else were put aside. Cas need him; for what he did not know. He pulled his best friend in for a hug. Cas was shorter than him so his soft untamable black hair tickled against his nose; the little shit used his shampoo too. Castiel enveloped himself in Dean's hug. He grasped the back of Dean's black t-shirt. He had been the one to embrace and comfort Dean before, and now he was the one being embraced.

He whispered, "You were supposed to remember how much I love you and how much you love me…"

Dean asked, "You…You love me?"

Castiel felt Dean shaking in his arms. Castiel held him tighter. It was a struggle to let all the word pass his lips but he had too, "I never stopped loving you. I cradled your soul, I wanted to ease your pain, I wanted to soothe you with all the tenderness I could offer, and I loved you. I hadn't realized I was capable until you proved me wrong. Your soul was, is, so enchanting and magnificent. I was enticed the moment I saw you in hell. My brother, Laoth, believed that I would save you; he had faith in me. I did all I could to get you to come with me until I had to take you. I did not understand how one soul could affect me in such a way, until I did understand, my love for you rivaled my love for god at the time no matter how blasphemous that sounds. I promised I wouldn't leave you. I promised I wouldn't abandon you. I loved you so much…"

Castiel was unaware of the tears falling from his eyes until he felt Dean's rough calloused hands stroking his hair in an effort to offer comfort. He continued, "I told you the very same on our first introduction that I was the one who raised you from perdition. Instead of gratitude and amenity I received violence and an extremely guarded soul. I was aggravated that you did not remember me or our time together. I didn't know what to do. I wanted nothing more than to grab you then and beg you to remember me. At the time I had a mission, but things are different now. I yearned for the day, I said I would wait; I wanted you to remember me. You had become so precious to me. I've seen you at your worst, Dean Winchester, and I loved you still."

Dean's breath was coming out slightly ragged; warm wet tears begun to drip down Castiel's neck. Castiel did not think Dean could hold him any tighter than he was now. Dean's voice cracked as he spoke, "I'm sorry, Cas. I'm so sorry. I don't…I don't remember. I'm sorry."

Castiel tried to soothe him, "Hush, it's alright. It's alright now. The past is in the past now. I am still so grateful for everything"

Castiel tried to push Dean away, but Dean wasn't having any of that. He pulled him as close to his chest as he could. Castiel felt he could almost hear the thumping of his heart. Dean whispered, "Cas, you listen to me alright. This isn't easy…but I want to tell you so much…damn it. Cas, I may not remember that time, but that doesn't mean I don't remember every other time. I remember you telling your family of dicks to fuck off to help us, I remember the war in heaven, I remember Purgatory, and I remember all the shit we've been through. Team Free Will the three of us. I remember you being family. I remember thinking of you as my best friend. I remember how much it hurt having to tell you to go. It hurt like hell whenever I lost you."

Dean was almost not able to continue, but Castiel urged him on, "I thought it was selfish how I wanted you for myself. I figured you wouldn't be happy with me. I liked to think you had the same feelings I had for you, but I was just trying to make myself feel better. I didn't even know if you could being an angel and all."

"I'm no angel."

"You're my angel. You're always my angel even without your wings. I love you, Cas."

Castiel pulled away from Dean and stared into his red rimmed eyes, "I love you as well, always"

Dean chuckled, "I hope you don't mind me kissing you now? You're attempt was a little rough."

Castiel smiled, "I was angry and I acted on impulse. I would like you to kiss me very much."

Dean cradled Castiel's face in his hands and brought their lips together. This time they kissed softly, warm, and loving. Castiel wrapped his arms around Dean's neck. He loved Dean Winchester so much. Dean Winchester loved him as well. Dean fell on his back on top of the library couch thanks to Castiel's persistence. Castiel would sometimes forget humans actually needed to breathe. Only after a few quick gasps he would quickly return his lips to their rightful place on Dean's. Castiel's fingers grasped the front of Dean's shirt as Dean pulled on Castiel's neck to pull him closer. Dean's lips moved in synch with Castiel's until they begun to explore open mouthed kisses. Damn, Dean had almost forgotten where Castiel had learned how to kiss. He's wished he could thank the pizza man.

Sam must of forgotten one crucial fact because Dean had forgotten it too. There were two doors that went to and from the library. One had been locked by Sam. The other had been opened at that moment by a young man named Kevin Tran. He stared for some time, probably in shock, until he opened his mouth and spoke slowly, "Okay, I knew this was coming…I didn't get into Princeton for nothing. This is just ah…um…well…awkward for one. Well, I am so telling Sam." He winked before closing the door to the library. Castiel rested his head on Dean's chest and he tried to catch his breath. Laughing was such a tiring, but enjoyable act. Dean absently ran his fingers through Cas' hair. His grin reached from ear to ear. He uttered, "I love you…I love you."

Castiel was ecstatic. Dean Winchester loved him. He could not think of anything else that would fill him with such joy. So what if Dean did not remember? They had much more memories together afterwards. They would make so many more.

Dean and I do share a more profound bond. I wasn't going to mention it.

We've been through much together you and I

Don't ever change.

You must've mistaken me for another angel the one in the dirty trench coat who's in love with you?'

We're family. We need you. I need you.

Castiel touched his forehead to Dean's as he placed a chaste kiss on his lips. Returning to his space in Dean's embrace Castiel buried his face in Dean's neck. He was already addicted to his warmth. He smiled, "I'll always love you, forever and always."

He may not remember that time, but that didn't change anything. The soul Castiel had pulled from hell, healed rebuilt, protected, and loved unconditionally. Dean Winchester loved the angel Castiel. Dean Winchester loved the human Castiel. Dean Winchester loved him. That was enough.

**Author's Note:**

> My heart hurt after writing this


End file.
